* * * * *
No one told me that your prom date is not supposed to mean anything to you five years later. What's that you say? Well, yes, I know I did not have a date for the prom. I said your prom date, not my prom date.
* * * * *
Feel, fall, fail .... they all start to sound the same to me. The words of the past continue to haunt me, but they are only words.
* * * * *
It was over years ago. I just didn't get the memo.
* * * * *
Sometimes, I would like to start anew, but what has been done cannot be undone, no matter how much I wish it so. There are feelings that do not go away. There are mistakes which continue to haunt. Above all, there is a constant which remains, me. You see, I looked it up. There is no unbreak.
* * * * *
You know, I am not as arrogant as I could be considering how smart I think I am.
* * * * *
You never know when a friend will need you and they do not always tell you when they do. Being a good friend can be like being a good night guard. Most of the time, you spend in the dark, but your vigil must be constant, though most of your time, the duty is simple. You just have to be there.
I would like to believe that I was always able to help when I was needed, but I know that is a fantasy. No one can stay awake forever, pick up on everything that is wrong. Everyone has an occasional sick day and no one blames them for it. After all, he did all that could be expected of him. It is just that sometimes, he thinks this is not enough even if it seems he is trying too hard.
You know, this is the second time in a row that I am updating this page at twenty past six on the first Thursday of the month. I am always picking up on little patterns like that, but am just as sure it amounts to nothing.
* * * * *
Have you ever been so jealous that you know it is wrong and you tell yourself a million times to stop, but you still cannot and begin to hate yourself for feeling something that is so wrong and every step you take to try to correct it seems like one more step towards obsession. I wish I could tell you exactly what I was talking about, but if I cannot tell her, who is the object of these feelings, then it seems like a kind of betrayal to tell you.
Aye and now we may finally have hit on why it is that I continue this page. Perhaps, it is because someone is still listening, you are and maybe she is, as well. After all this time, you may have pieced together who she is, but I have yet to tell you and so I have not betrayed her.
* * * * *
Do you know how it is when you hear a piece of music and the lyrics play a certain story or scene in your mind? Imagine, then, if you will, two people listening to the same song in their mind and this brings to the same dance. What keeps them apart, though, is that they have a different story set to the music and this is as close as they may ever get.
* * * * *
I like the climax of the story because I like to watch pieces of a good set up come together and "fall into place". That is why I hate stories with a nice lead up only to have it fall apart, literally. I hate it even more when I spend so much time and effort putting together the nicest of 'dramas' only to have the key players let me down.
I also find myself reading and intrigued by stories with tragic endings. I find myself rooting for the happy ending even when it is highly unlikely and not fitting. If I look at the situation, I start to think that there are just too many imperfections in the character or his actions for things to be okay. Sometimes, it is one turning point or an accumulation of wrongs that can no longer be righted. The twist of fortune are for those who better deserve it.
* * * * *
It is all too easy to become a cynic when you can no longer see a happy ending down the line. Perhaps that is perplexing in itself, because where can one really find happiness in an ending. However, after a year like this, I can still look to the horizon and barely discern what I am looking for out there.
* * * * *
I thought I felt a little of the old magic in the air the other night, but I guess I was wrong again. One of these days, like my friend, J.G., I will learn that you cannot repeat the past. Funny thing, though ... the past is not even worth repeating.
* * * * *
I never wanted to be this cyncical, but I found truth. Is it my fault that it bothers me that other human beings are being persecuted and oppressed each night as I go to sleep, while those who can do something about it coolly look the other way? Meanwhile, I, for all my smarts, am left powerless to do anything about it. I do what I can. I hate it in my heart and I speak openly about it, refusing to look the other way or justify any of it. If this has left me cold or pessimistic, then so be it. For, if I ever reach the point where I can ignore the world around me, then I will truly have lost touch with reality.
* * * * *
I still listen to that song because it is emblematic of a time in my life when I was, so to speak, at the height of my powers. I was more confident than ever and the whole world was lined up for me to take. I did not want the world, though. I wanted her and I had no idea where to begin.
* * * * *
I once thought that I woke up from a dream and was heading straight on to the future. Years later, I again feel as if I have been stumbling along from one spot to the next. There is no clear plan, the horizon is not clear. Each time I think I have reached a clear goal, there are always clouds. Still, I found a way to be happy for the first time in a long time.
* * * * *
Each day, each dream, one at a time and suddenly everything seems possible again. Sure, it can take a lot out of you, but everything worthwhile does. Just as long as you do not ask me to sacrifice a part of me, I am still willing to fight the good fight. Deep down, it is the only way I know how.
* * * * *
"Don't let the dream die", the voice said. I was never sure where it came from, but it went on, "if you let one dream die, what of the rest? If you cannot do anything about it now, at least fight for it in you heart." "Yes, but they said I have to let it die so that other dreams could have a fighting chance", I replied. Maybe I would know who to listen to if I could just determine where that voice came from.
* * * * *
It is not too late you know, however it will not be easy. The thing is, partner, you cannot save them all, not even some of them. You have got to save yourself and to do that you have got to cut through all of their lies. That is just half the battle, though, because the issue is not about becoming disillusioned, but what to do about it when you are finally sure it is your face you see in the mirror in the morning.
* * * * *
The friend is so sure that she is wrong for the kid. The kid is damn sure it will never work out with her. Still, it does not stop him from missing her. Why doesn't he pick up the phone?
* * * * *
If I could give you some piece of advice, it would be this--believe in the impossible. Trust your own sense of greatness because you can touch it and it is worth every bit of the effort.
* * * * *
First there was the betrayal, followed by the anger. He acted too fast and when the dust settled, he regretted the consequences. The friend told him that it did not matter, but he did not know the full truth behind it. When the friend found out everything, he shook his head, but could do no more. This time, he takes the course of inaction until come such time that his feelings settle and a prudent move can be made. Will he wait too long?
We like to think that we are cool, calm and collected. It lets us think that we are in control. Unfortunately, this is not true. We react to emotion. It suits us to think that we planned a logical move. Yet when we truly stop to plan a move, life flies by us and we regret the moment we did nothing.
* * * * *
Yeah, the world is falling apart. It's okay though, cuz there is another party across town. Get in the car, last horseman out cut the lights.
--15049
I should have known that 15049's loyalty was always to his friends, never to himself.